Expat Isolation and Loneliness
You are different than everyone around you. Perhaps you don’t speak their language so well (or at all). Maybe you miss your friends at home that know all of the inside jokes. Maybe you are just posted in a tiny town where everyone already has friends and doesn’t need new ones. Or an enormous one where you know noone. You are out of your comfort zone so far you can’t even see it anymore. And this isn’t travel, so you could be living alone and likely working all day. The expatriate experience is a wonderful one. Though it can be a isolating and lonely one at times.
Difference between Isolation and Loneliness
It is quite possible to be isolated and not lonely. In the summer I quite happy ride my bike up the valley with no one around and sit under an oak tree for several hours reading a book. This is isolation, but I am not lonely. This is my alone time. In the flip case, it is also possible to be lonely but not isolated. Germany is a country the size of Wisconsin with 80 Million people. It is pretty hard to be totally isolated physically. Loneliness is a feeling of emotional or mental isolation when you would rather not be isolated, so perfectly possible without the physical separation. I have been lonely in the midst of parties.
Isolation doesn’t always have to be a bad thing, though loneliness usually is tinged negative. Being too isolated tends to make the loneliness worse though. The physical separation seeps inward.
Outsiders
As foreigners, we as expats by definition begin as outsiders. We come into to a culture from outside it. This brings with it an aura of isolation. Between hesitation on both sides of the culture barrier, this isolation can be severe. It takes time to get used to a place and feel comfortable enough to act in it. It also takes time for locals to get used to you enough to reach out. This can be better or worse depending on situation and culture. Language barriers add to this isolation, another wall between people.
This isn’t restricted to expats though. Moving town even in the US, it took a while to get used to being in another place and get used to the way things work there. There are far fewer barriers when it comes to moving within your own culture and language, but they are there. I lived in a smaller city during college for a semester of work study and was reminded of it in the first few months of living in Germany. That sense of not knowing where the good pizza place is or having anybody you know to go with you to find a new one.
There is a language component to this too. Stress seems to reduce the ability to understand or speak foreign languages, at least for me. Heck, extreme stress reduces my ability to speak English. So in a foreign place, loneliness makes me seek out my own language. My first few months of not knowing people, I spent an awful lot of time in the Irish Pub just because they spoke English.
Changing Landscape
I have days where I feel nearly integrated. I feel like I speak very good German and know where to go to get what I need and want for a happy life. I sit in movies with German friends and talk about Star Wars references in hushed tones in the back. I ride my bike just like a local. Everything fits and everything is fine. On other days, I have no desire whatsoever to hear any more German. I just want to be able to drive home in a dry car instead of stand out in the rain. Why can’t I find what I am looking for in the store? I can’t sleep and feel totally out of sync. At these times the cultural differences stand out in stark relief and are nearly blinding in the contrast. Those days I feel lonely. I miss my friends and other life.
The truth is that most days I life somewhere between these two extremes. As I get more or less sleep and have more or less stress in my life, I wander back and forth. One of the things that almost always cheers me up is talking to other expats. We seem to share an understanding of what is going on. This is one of my definitions for the expatriate spirit. That sense of knowing what it is like to live between two worlds and how grating that can be sometimes.
Seeking Friends
For whatever reason it seems that when I get into a funk of loneliness I just wan to hibernate. This is so totally counter productive. I really should use these feelings to drive myself out of my shell and seek out people to talk to. I think though, the hurt of the loneliness makes me feel more vulnerable and thus less likely to go out in a situation that may be stressful either linguistically or culturally. I don’t want to risk being spurned.
The best choice of course is to go out and talk to people. Practice those language skills, however bad they are. Talk to the bartenders and whoever happens to sit next to you. This is something I can do while traveling, but somehow miss when I am feeling overwhelmed in my own town. It is just a paradox when I am feeling down. I just want to curl up with beer and a movie.
This Too Shall Pass
I alternatively love and hate this phrase. It is such a great thing to remember that any situation can change and probably will given some time. That sense of loneliness will fade when I get my butt up to do something or call a friend and go hang out. Just as physical and cultural isolation can lead to feelings of loneliness, breaking down those barriers will help fix it. Not instantly, but surely over time.
As a traveler I have these feelings of isolation, but the situation of actually traveling has opportunities to get me out of it. In my daily routine I need to get into remembering those things when I feel the isolation closing in and the loneliness coming on.
Expats, do you feel the isolation and loneliness? What do you do when you do? Is it different than culture shock or just one aspect?
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November 1, 2014 @ 11:24 am
I really empathise! I hope it does become easier for you! Loving a country above your social existence is a powerful force,and, having the grit to make such an important decision to stay for that, I’m sure, will hopefully sooner than later, evolve into an established life with a satisfactory social network of similar~minded, brave people! Good luck!
I left England 2 years ago to France and am lucky my English hubby has great family & friends of all nationalities, and they’re usually very patient with my awful French!I’m finding it difficult to learn the language as I am stressed (won’t go into all that…), & trying to find teaching work.i started a French course on arrival, but the teacher was incredibly hostile toward me, I had to leave..( I was the only female in a class of 20 Portuguese men, who were very supportive). Strange situation…I also work as a jazz singer/musician, & have had a few successful gigs & met some lovely people. Again, my French keys me down, but thank God for a sense of humour! Driving about in my husbands big transit van and going to towns, markets, big shops on my own helps. I am suffering horribly with homesickness ( another stress!), and have decided to visit England a bit more next year. Never simple, is it? Ah! The rich tapestry of Life….
October 31, 2014 @ 11:25 pm
I’ve been living in Madrid for nearly 9 years now, and although I consider it my home, I’ve always felt like an outsider. I decided to face a fear and Study a Master. I have 4 months left now and this Master is taught completely in Spanish. My level of Spanish is C2, but I’m not native and some of the modules I’m studying are really difficult, even for the Spaniards. I enjoyed the Master to begin with, but now I hate it, because I just feel dumb a lot of the time, and sometimes the teachers make comments suggesting I’m on another planet; then everyone laughs. Furthermore, the economic situation is so bad here that I don’t even know whether or not this Master will ever open any doors for me professionally. I sometimes think about going back to England, but I love Madrid too much!
September 27, 2014 @ 2:12 pm
I am probably second generation expat. I understand what my mother went through as my father built an illustrious career overseas for over 25 years and they were both glad when it was over. I did not think it would happen to me because I had hobbies, interests and I mixed with lots of people of different backgrounds. Some were at work, some had families and some were not my age group. It was easy to find common ground. But as an expatriate you have to address the day will come when you are told your dear friend is pulling their business back to the continent or they are retiring or a new job offer comes up. The years pass and people tell you it is a function of age that your community changes till you cannot recognise it anymore. My initial reaction was to put more effort, try new things, set up more network. It was an epensive mistake because it exposes you to traps, insincere people and then you have really good reason to be careful and avoid unwanted sales or foolish endeavours. You are wiser if you live a quiet life and in that quiet life things can blossom from introspection.
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February 18, 2014 @ 5:52 am
[…] Couch of the blog Grounded Traveler describes this vicious cycle well: “The hurt of the loneliness makes me feel more vulnerable and […]
November 3, 2013 @ 12:09 pm
Thanks Andrew! I am working out a routine where I do stuff (work prep’, chores, French learning etc), with huge energy, then be a total slob with my kitties & flop out to watch episodes of tv stuff I never got round to but hoped to one day, one my iPhone! It works for me. I feel So much better. I hope it doesn’t buggar my eyes up, but with my new job (yay!) maybe I’ll eventually have enough to buy an iPad or something more practical. Hope all going well.
Heather
October 17, 2013 @ 1:13 pm
Just to say I feel less weird by wanting to hibernate when I’m “Totally Frenched-Out”, but do realise I ought to get out & ‘be there’. I’m in a real funk atm, and am losing a little confidence I’m trying to learn french, but stress blocks me. I am hoping to get back into teaching, and must get the language, but oh! This gloom is such a bore. !!!
November 3, 2013 @ 11:55 am
Hibernation urges is totally normal. It is part running away from unpleasantness and part trying to find the energy to deal with all the new stuff. As you mention though, it is usually a sign that you do just need to get out and do other things. Give yourself more active ways of being comfortable rather than retreating into darkness.
Good luck with French. I tried it twice in school and college and could never manage. German though is way harder fro most people and I am ok with. Go figure.
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September 28, 2013 @ 7:45 pm
[…] This week I am thankful for the life that has found me as well as the life that I have built. It is still tough and not always free of stress, but to put gratitude for things that I have been given is always a good […]
August 23, 2012 @ 7:25 pm
I really liked your article Andrew. I’m in Prague as an expat now and can relate to much of what you’ve said about the barriers, the isolation, and lack of friends when starting out or when they have a baby, relationship etc and move on, ending your association with them. It happens. Totally agree about how even a relocation back in the states can have many of the same adjustment stress (knowing nobody, being ‘blind’ to where needs can be met, etc). Thanks for bringing up “hibernation” and how you can just hole up in your flat, it really happens (esp to me!). And with a good computer and comfortable chair you could easily never leave the house. Especially as you get into your 40s and 50s, you know whats at the corner bar and its…erm….really boring. You’re older, balder–I mean who wants to talk to me LOL. Its not all that interesting sitting alone in a pub—while you’d much prefer to have a beer at home and surf the web’s offerings. Its true! To intensify the feeling of isolation and aloneness while being an expat abroad, just add being unemployed. Most of my waking time is spent at home alone staring into the monitor, applying to jobs, surfing this or that site, fucking about on YouTube, etc. The brave new digital world we all now live in has consumed us. Surreal sometimes, you just have to persevere. Holy crap what rubbish did I just write LOL 😀
October 17, 2013 @ 1:20 pm
Zam it was so interesting reading your stuff. And positive actually. I guess realising what’s up is a big part of the way out of the crappy side is being expa, and it’s not bloody easy! Not easy for any age (I’m 60 going on 30, which helps!). I drive my new hubby’s 2ton tranny, & it helps to take the edge off a bit. (Used to diving in the UK… wrong side of the road, lol!)
October 31, 2011 @ 1:43 pm
Great read. I have been really struggling of late in London. Moved here about 8 months ago, started out ok as I had some friends here already I knew. Then one had a kid, the other found a girlfriend and the other’s girlfriend moved over here to live with him from NYC.
I definitely can relate to the hibernation theory. I do it all the time. Just can’t work up the energy to do anything to meet people. It’s terrible and if this continues I fear I’ll go back home.
October 31, 2011 @ 2:41 pm
I really hope you find a way to stay. Living abroad has been one of the best things I have decided to do. Hibernation, as you mention, is unfortunately the worse thing possible; as it isolates from the help you actually need to get over it. You have to make an effort go do soemthing. In a town as large as London, there should be plenty of clubs and such. Pick an interest, look up ppl on Twitter, try meetup.com, and just go do stuff. Even if it is only once a week. My lifeline the first few months here was a twice monthly meeting, and even that was enough to help me get through stuff.
June 13, 2011 @ 7:16 pm
Great post – I loved the discussion on loneliness and isolation, it meant a great deal to me. As the trailing spouse in a 10y relocation to Canada from UK, I’m finding the loneliness hard to bear – I think it’s absence of close family around and the lack of shared cultural references as a back story which makes finding friends hard. I’m also feeling somewhat trapped being here as the rest of my family is doing well out of it. My husband has a good job and my son was born here, loves it. I get tired of continually forging my own identity without much back up – yes, it can be lonely but I try to aggregate the good points on a weekly basis.
June 14, 2011 @ 6:24 pm
Looking at the good points every week is a great idea. That is something I should do more as well, especially in the dark of the winter.
You at least have a common language which should help in some ways to overcome the different backgrounds, though the culture differences will be there regardless. It sounds like you need a tie directly to the place as opposed to only through your husband/son or even through your family to back home. Family is important and people are usually more important than place, but if you only anchor yourself through them you may end up resenting the place somehow. Do you have the chance to work? Or create some other project, maybe for other expats in the area?
June 14, 2011 @ 7:02 pm
Those are great points re: anchoring, and yes, the common language has been a boon (though there are some interesting miscommunications and nuances).
Volunteering has been a great way to network and integrate – I’ve made some wonderful contacts that way, and still try to keep the hours going (was easier before my son was born). I’ve also immersed myself into the financial and taxation side of life here by starting my own business. And I’m updating qualifications thru college. On the face of it, I am setting down my roots – so far though they feel shallow. I’m still searching for my community – it’s a work in progress and I’m surprised that at 10y it’s still ongoing.
I’m going to give another plug again for volunteering! – it’s been my luxury as the trailing non-working spouse 🙂
June 13, 2011 @ 6:28 pm
Hi, I am not surprised you dont make a lot of friends – you are german, you kinda hav a rep, naa mean?
June 9, 2011 @ 2:46 pm
Great to read, thank you for reflecting so genuinely and authentically. I identify completely with your feelings. I’ve live in the USA, Africa, Netherlands, UK, and Brazil – and the battle for community in newness is ever-present. Whether in ASmallWorld, InterNations, or MeetUps in these different environments, it’s often shallow and isolating still. I have found that a strong multicultural church provides a healthy community for support and friendships.
June 9, 2011 @ 1:23 pm
I live in Romania now and it seems I am the only foreign woman here, most Expats live in Bucharest. I started to learn Romanian on the computer because there are no language classes.
Here are so many things wrong they could fix but nobody wants to change in Romania.
I spend my days here alone and always happy when my husband gets home in the evening. We don’t even have a working airport (only open between June and September but no direct flights to my home country Austria) and we have to drive 3 hours on horrendous roads to the next one.
Here in Constanta are not many things you can do. It’s near the holiday area Mamaia but the sea is really dirty and full of algae in Summer.
Most restaurants are italian but how much pizza and noodles can one eat?
We have another 3 years here and I will do my best to entertain myself with sport (gym because of stray dogs it’s impossible outside), painting, reading and cooking.
June 14, 2011 @ 6:19 pm
Hi Angie, that sounds like a tough situation. Especially with 3 years still to go.
It sounds like you have a good list of things to keep you distracted, but if you try to go completely without social interaction that could be really hard on you in the long run. Are there any other expats at all in your area? Maybe you could organize something and help others in your situation as well as yourself.
June 15, 2011 @ 12:31 pm
This is the problem Andrew. No Expats here in Constanta. Some man but they come here on/off for some weeks only for work. We have them sometimes over for dinner but that’s it.
I am not sure how long I can live like this.
June 22, 2011 @ 7:28 pm
I’m sorry to hear that. Talk to your husband about how you are doing. Even if he can’t do anything, it might make you feel better to be able to talk about it with him.
June 23, 2011 @ 10:29 am
Oh we talk a lot. It’s not the rasiert Job for ihm here either and it’s good to have Dach other.
June 9, 2011 @ 12:04 pm
I moved to Copenhagen about 2 months back, and at first I made sure that I made some initial connections through expat groups. And the first few weeks were marvellous. But my job requires me to travel alone, so after a few weeks of missing out on dinners, get-togethers, parties etc, I am usually forgotten. Afterall, it takes effort and time to build new friendships, and reminding others that you’re still around! Recently, I have started to feel lonely and in response to that I just want to do absolutely nothing on the weekend and as you correctly pointed out, hibernate. Making friends, inheriting new friends, maintaining this constant contact is no easy feat. I can only hope that I will get out of this miserable situation soon. Thanks for an excellent post!
June 14, 2011 @ 6:14 pm
You’re welcome. Thanks for the comment. I am glad that the post helped you.
I am a part of one of those expat groups. We only do dinners every 2 weeks, but still it is as you say sometimes easy to forget someone that only comes in every so often. Do you have an email list for those groups? Keeping active even in email should help people remember about you as well as help you with a more regular stream of activities that you could go do when you have the time. Try also setting up activities on your own, though that does take more energy.
Don’t hibernate, that is probably the worst choice of all of them. Try to seek out just one person at first and grow from there. I met an 18 year expat within weeks of moving here and she has become a very good friend and helps me keep my head above water when things get frustrating.
June 9, 2011 @ 11:33 am
I have traveled quite extensively but always to English speaking countries to live. Vacations to Greece, Milan, Spain, Mexico, etc don’t count because the stay is so short. I lived in The Bahamas for 14 years but it had a LARGE expat community Again, they were very welcoming and many events every weekend and I didn’t find it hard to make a few special friends. My only feelings of isolation was living on an island. Now, I am in Sweden with my boyfriend and have not conquered the Swedish language let alone the vocabulary and pronunciations. But, I am trying. Even my boyfriend tires of my English so I am double lonely most times. Most south Swedish people refuse to speak English, some are too shy to even try. I find if a English speaking man friend is around, everyone speaks English all the time. But, not for me as a woman. Funny how I have observed this phenomenon.
June 14, 2011 @ 6:09 pm
Keep trying on the Swedish. I have no experience with that, but in Germany when I started speaking even a little German the people were more likely to talk to me in general as well as try some English. When you show that you are trying their language, mistakes and all they will be more open to trying English if they are shy or not so good at it.
June 15, 2011 @ 12:17 pm
I agree on that, it happens here as well.
June 9, 2011 @ 11:24 am
Thanks for sharing, you put words to my feelings. I am a Spaniard who lived in Italy and is currently living in Norway. I must say life in Italy was easier because of the Mediterranean culture and the similarity of the languages. But I also love Norway because of its lifestyle. It’s difficult to make friends here though, and you are forced to learn Norwegian quickly if you want to work here (even if everybody speaks perfect English). But I don’t feel lonely. Yes, I miss my own culture sometimes, that’s why I basically listen to online radio (Italian and Spanish). Internet has helped me a lot to keep up with my own roots. I would say I keep a foot on both cultures, Mediterranean and Scandinavian 🙂
June 14, 2011 @ 6:07 pm
Wow, Spain to Norway is a big move. Both at a language and a weather level. Indeed the internet has allowed expats to more easily keep that one foot in both worlds.
That is so great that you don’t feel lonely. How long have you been in Norway? Do you live in a big city or a town?
June 15, 2011 @ 12:14 pm
I live in Bergen, the second city in Norway. Not a big one, but we’ve got all we need 😛
June 15, 2011 @ 12:15 pm
I moved here in 2007.
June 9, 2011 @ 10:15 am
Oh for 13 years being on the road, I reached the point that I lost my identity at all. Yes, I am lonely and Isolated at the same time yet still trying to embrace what the world can offer us from the bright side. But how if you leave in a very extreme posting where so many restrictions are being imposed? I or you must be a tough cookie to face it from day to day basis specially you when have a family counting on you or at least being the support system for the husband who’s eking himself out of living. Yes, an opportunity to see and understand the world yet it can be overwhelming physically and mentally. Just a thought:)
May 18, 2011 @ 6:53 pm
Heck, I feel like this sometimes even at home! I get restless after traveling for awhile and like Heather said, the newness wears off, or I stop exploring and I just get in a funk. In order for me to get out of it, I have to force myself to hang out with people- once I’m around them, I feel better. I guess I’m saying- you’re not alone in feeling alone!
May 19, 2011 @ 8:06 pm
Oh indeed. Being home doesn’t make you immune from this.
I like that “not alone in feeling alone.”
May 18, 2011 @ 6:34 pm
I didn’t feel like an expat last year as my experience in Oz would only last a year, but I definitely encountered the isolation and loneliness from time to time. It really hit once I stopped traveling and set up shop in Sydney. Once the newness wore off, I was either at work, relaxing with my laptop or the TV in the flat, or occasionally going out to meet up with a friend. On my days off I mostly stuck to myself and tried to watch how much I spent. Always a balance to strike…sometimes taking care of yourself is enjoying alone time and sometimes it means going out, even if you feel like retreating a bit.
Glad you’re talking about these feelings and that Ali will join you soon!
May 19, 2011 @ 8:05 pm
Newness seems to push away the isolation, but it can come back when you are fixed to a routine. Especially being at work means we all need rest and relaxation alone. This can just become part of the routine and get to us. Like you say, balance is key.
Thanks for the comment. What is the next adventure for you now that you are back?
May 18, 2011 @ 5:34 pm
Well done, nicely written! We’ve all experienced these feelings at one point or another – sometimes more strongly than others. I still remember waking up in the morning my first few weeks in France & it felt like a dream-world. Totally hard to connect with people & feeling like a complete “fish out of water”.
So far, learning the language has been the key to becoming more integrated & avoiding isolation – it’s not an easy route, but well-worth the pay off. Thanks for sharing this with us!
May 19, 2011 @ 8:00 pm
Thanks for the comment. Getting over the language barrier is indeed a big step, making the whole thing just a little more like moving within your own culture.
May 18, 2011 @ 5:10 am
This is a really great read. I can totally relate to the feeling of being lonely even at a party. I’ve been living in the Atlanta area for 16 years and I’ve made plenty of friends, but my closest friends have moved to the other side of the country. The friends I have here all have their own best friends and little circles they hang out with, and I miss having a best friend around, someone who is your go-to person to hang out with quite often. I definitely have a tendency to feel isolated and lonely, so we’ll see how that goes in a couple months when I’m in Freiburg!
May 19, 2011 @ 7:57 pm
Yeah, that “best friend” is definitely a good description. Someone that no matter what will hang out and do stuff if you call, especially if you are down. We will figure it out here. 🙂
May 18, 2011 @ 4:48 am
I really liked this post. Isolation and loneliness are a very real part of the expat/ travel experience. I think I expected it to be a little worse than it actually was for me in Germany– having an expectation of feeling like an outsider for a long, long time was actually helpful, since I didn’t expect a feeling of connection to happen right away. I do have to say that Germany can be a more difficult place for this, since the culture is more reserved (at least in Bavaria) toward outsiders. When we traveled through Italy, it felt like everyone was hugging us– the relational warmth was palpable.
The part you wrote about “this too shall pass” is totally true, and can really save one from despair when loneliness feels overwhelming.
May 19, 2011 @ 7:56 pm
Thanks for that. The idea that it will pass is a hard one to remember in the midst of a problem. I know it will change, but that is rally hard to see when everything looks dark.
Italy can be overwhelming in the other direction almost. So much attempt at connection. There needs to be a balance.
May 18, 2011 @ 1:03 am
Very well done and thoughtful post. The “ísolation” and “loneliness” distinction or nuance is a good one. Being different is something that expats will always struggle with, I believe. It can be a hard thing to realize and experience, it can also make you richer. I like the quote of Louis Roux: “Solitude vivifies. Isolation kills.”
Good luck with everything!
May 19, 2011 @ 7:52 pm
The being different is a good thing most of the time, but it has its pitfalls as described. Thanks for the quote and the luck wishes.
May 17, 2011 @ 11:02 pm
I agree with you about loneliness. It breeds more loneliness. Whenever you are down and lonely, the last thing you want to do is be around others. Recognizing this and seeking that connection with others is a good way to get over that. Not easy but necessary. I wish this was a lesson I learned when I was younger.
May 19, 2011 @ 7:51 pm
Seriously, me too.
May 17, 2011 @ 10:45 pm
I think it’s just like you said: it’s easy to feel isolated or lonely when you move to a new city and it’s only more difficult when you move to a new country. Despite having lived in the US now I still sometimes feel that I am somewhere in between cultures. I kind of fit in both the German culture and the Texan one and I kind of fit in neither. Like you, I really enjoy being with other expats (not necessarily only Germans) because they instantly get your situation without having to talk about it. But that can be dangerous too, because many expats keep moving around. I can’t count how many friends I had that moved away and left me feeling even more alone. I think I have a fairly healthy balance of American and expat friends now, but since I also live in a kind-of college town the turnover even among Americans is high. Oh well. It helps to have my boyfriend here. But one still needs friends outside the house 🙂
May 19, 2011 @ 7:51 pm
Yeah, the turnover of friends can be tough. This is again true in “normal” life, but as an expat the number of people that really understand is fewer and they tend to move more often. It means the few friends are valuable. I don’t yet have my fiancee here, but it is coming soon. That will help a lot like you having your boyfriend.
May 17, 2011 @ 10:27 pm
Great piece that has made me wonder a lot about my own situation right now. I’ve been living in Switzerland now for more than 2 and a half years and have learned to deal with punctuality, early closing shops and restaurants and the country’s healthy love for doing sports. I’ve also met some nice people along my way.
But then, these people have their lives (and don’t always count on me to live it). I still don’t speak the language because… oh well – my job is in english and spanish and my company only started offering french classes about a month ago. There are weekends where I will just not talk to anyone.
And not only do I feel lonely, but also isolated. I’m still in Europe – and theoretically not all too far from home (only 4 and a half hours by plane)… but that’s already far enough to feel as if I was living in a 200 people village in India. My friends organize weekend trips to which I can’t go because everything is too expensive from this country… and I’m missing that “other life” I could have right now if I were in Spain.
But I guess there’s always a pro and a con for each decision taken. At some point, I thought being an expat outweighed staying at home. So now, when I’m in one of those days, I just need to remind myself the positive side. It usually helps 🙂
May 19, 2011 @ 7:48 pm
Yeah, I go through that thought process too. Of deciding that staying an expat is better than going back. But, like you say, there are times when the “otherlife” calls very strongly, and the calls seem to sound louder when for whatever reason we are down or lonely.
If you ever feel like coming up and seeing Germany, I am not so far from Switzerland. You are welcome to come visit.
May 17, 2011 @ 10:18 pm
It is a little bit of a difficult situation. I always have the problem of trying to avoid being the too forward or too friendly American as an attempt to integrate with the culture. However, in the end it also contributes to my isolation because I am not getting my butt out there as much as should. I think being able to live a little more isolated as usual makes you stronger as a person. It “grows character” as they say. A few years ago I saw a “making of” of the Bourne Supremacy and they were talking about how they had picked out Berlin because it is incredibly isolating for Americans and Bourne was supposed to be alone against the world.
May 19, 2011 @ 7:41 pm
The classic phrase of “don’t be what you aren’t” applies here too. Yeah if you act the brash outgoing American, then the German’s might stare, but still if you try to be too reserved you will feel that isolation for not being who you are. So what if they stare? It gives them something to stare at, so you are offering a service to the community.
Isolation growing character also means growing harder. I find that it means my shell is thickened so stuff doesn’t affect me, but I also keep stuff inside too much.
May 17, 2011 @ 9:46 pm
Thanks for that article. I’m a German who lived in London for almost 6 years and this is exactly how I felt and although I then lived with my Scottish boyfriend I missed certain German commodities like beer gardens and a certain quality of life. Most of all I missed a properly working shower…
In the end this feeling was so overwhelming that I felt trapped and miserable most of the time and decided to change something. Now I’m back in Germany looking for a job… not sure yet if it was the right decision though as there were days where I really liked my life in the UK. But I guess this torn feeling is typical for an expat, even after returning to the home country.
May 19, 2011 @ 7:38 pm
Thanks for sharing your story. Every situation seems to be slightly different. London can be overwhelming for people used to Britain, so it must be harder on others. What do you mean by properly working shower? The only difference I remember is that the Brits seem to fear damp more than the Germans in the bathroom.
Yeah that split life feeling is typical expat. Entangled in one place and still yearning for another.
May 22, 2011 @ 5:55 pm
I found it hard finding a flat in London with a properly working shower, e.g. proper pressure. Most places have a shower that is merely dripping rather than showering down.
They do have electric showers but that just heats up the cold water but doesn’t improve the water pressure. Only so called ‘power showers’ have proper pressure but those need a loud engine driven pump. I had one in my first flat share in London and it’s noise woke up everyone in the flat when one of us had to get up earlier than the others.
May 17, 2011 @ 9:29 pm
I am not sure who is doing more introspection and soul searching lately – me or you? You definitely experience a side of this I don’t since you are an expat. I am sure there are many things you wrestle with but all of it is normal. Going to explore more of this later and it may inspire me to counter with another post! 🙂
May 19, 2011 @ 7:33 pm
It doesn’t have to be a contest. 🙂 And yes of course these are normal sorts of things. I felt the same moving to a town I didn’t know in the US, just being abroad you are further from friends and families and there are additional social and linguistic barriers.
Feel free to post.